* * * warning, whining ahead * * *
I am sooooo sick and tired of this process. I am seriously dreading Round 5. My anxiety level has been through the roof the last few days. I think the heightened anxiety may be due in large part to impending genetic testing which I will undergo in a few weeks to find out if I have the BRCA gene mutation which will make it super likely that I will experience a recurrence some day and be more susceptible to ovarian cancer, among others, and likely need more surgeries.
And I think I am just suffering battle fatigue. My stomach has suffered throughout this process. Stomach pain, IBS, acid reflux (that woke up me at 3:30 last night, it was awesome), mild to moderate nausea that continues well past a week after treatment. Drinking almost anything tastes disgusting for about 2 weeks. My throat and ear continue to hurt a bit. The redness on my left breast has not completely gone away and that adds to my stress, although Dr. C thinks it's likely just edema and not anything of major concern. And I am tired. Despite feeling mildly nauseous for the better part of a week each cycle, I have still managed to gain three pounds or so, topping the scale at my highest weight ever. I am tired of not having hair on my head. My eyebrows are now coming out. I am basically missing half of each eyebrow. I guess the eyelashes are next. And did I mention I am tired? I have been having trouble getting to sleep at night over the last few weeks. What is really frustrating is that as so-so as I feel right now, this is the best I am going to feel physically over the next three weeks. This is as good as it gets until October. So, I have had four crying bouts in the last 24 hours including one of those crying-in-the-bathroom-at-work afternoons where I dab my eyes with a cold paper towel and pretend that nobody will notice. Actually, I don't think anyone did notice. The taxotere causes my eyes to tear up so, I guess that's the silver lining of that side effect -- no one pays much mind to my red teary eyes.
* * * ok, whining done * * *
Mom is my babysitter this time around. She's bringing the entire series of Freaks & Geeks. It will help me get through these next seven days. And despite my anxiety and self pity and whininess, I know I will get through this. September will come (Dad and Heidi to visit in a few weeks), as will October (grand tour of VA three weeks after last chemo). Lots of fall hiking awaits me. Much to look forward to.
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