The heart of winter

Last Thursday I had my every-three-week herceptin appointment (number 12 of 18).  My doctor asked how I was doing and I burst into tears.  Which seemed odd to me given that I am now done with treatment, for the most part.  After talking with me for a while, she told me to stop taking the tamoxifen for a few weeks to figure out if it was causing me to feel depressed.  This is apparently a reported side effect that "a small number of women" may experience from the tamoxifen.

The last several weeks have been difficult.  It feels like in a blink of an eye we've gone from the dead of summer to the heart of winter.  I've been tired, sick (I got my first post-cancer cold....nasty little germs, left me feeling lousy for a week and a half) and completely unmotivated to do anything.    I think I will figure this out and not let the tamoxifen get the better of me, but it might take a little bit of time and work.  And speaking of work, I took a "rest day" from work today.  That helped a bit.  As did a winter hike on saturday.   And knowing that in less than two months we'll have daylight savings time again (this year on my birthday!) means there is an escape to winter coming soon.

Dear Diary

Growing up, each year somewhere around late January, I would start the entries in my brand new diary (recently received each year as a Chanukah gift from my parents):  "Dear Diary, I am sorry I haven't written in a few days....." I would then proceed to catch my poor, neglected diary up on all the goings-on of recent days.

That's what I feel like right now.  "Dear blog, I am sorry I haven't blogged on you in a while.  I have been really busy," yada yada yada.

In any event, I headed up to NY over the Xmas break.  Good visit, but very tiring.  Didn't get to see everyone I wanted due to various ailments and blizzard.

Since my last blog post, I had another herceptin appointment (the day before New Year's eve day).  Although I had a long wait, it was otherwise uneventful.  Under my "last week, this week or next week" formula, I can somewhat easily remember that my next appointment is next week.

The main thing going on is I finally started taking tamoxifen the other day.  Several people I know who have taken it have complained of severe bone pain.  So I am knocking on wood hoping that won't be a problem; so far, it isn't.  My big fear was stomach upset.  So far, knocking again on my poor table, so good.

Continue to have acid reflux (this was a chemo side effect that just hasn't gone away yet) and sore throat (ditto).  And to be really tired.  (But not chemo fatigue; not even close).  Oh, and I can't concentrate on anything at work or remember almost anything.  My mind has turned into a large-holed colander (I just proved my own point -- it took me 30 seconds to remember the word "colander."  Word recollection is particularly dicey these days.)  It was suggested to me that perhaps it's not the chemo or radiation but hormones (which were thrown into whack by the chemo).  Who knows.  I need to find out what I can do about it.  Because I'm starting to drive myself nuts with it.

Signing off.  Early morning tomorrow (breast cancer spinning class at 8).  Good night, dear blog.