Moving out of the Comfort Zone

A few weeks ago, I attended a "transition to wellness" workshop at georgetown.  A big theme of the workshop was finding your "new normal."  That is what I am in the process of doing.  Something one of the panelists said really resonated with me; after she completed treatment, she spent time rethinking ~ "what do I want to do with my life."  I have been asking myself that question a lot these days.

After broaching the subject of reducing my hours slightly with the managing partners at my firm, they suggested perhaps I was being even too ambitious in estimating the number of hours I would be able to comfortably bill this year.  Although it seemed a giant leap (thus moving me out of my comfort zone), the other day, I proposed a 60% work schedule and I believe it will be acceptable to them.  Part of me worries about whether it is crazy, lazy or irresponsible to not work full time, but most of me feels really excited about having the opportunity to take the time to heal this year and do things that I have not had the time and energy to do.  Figuring out what I want to do with my life.

As I have struggled with the roller coaster of emotions and feelings over these last two months, I came to the conclusion that I really need a vacation.  Once again, moving out of my comfort zone, I just booked a solo spiritual journey vacation -- going to the grand canyon and a spa in sedona arizona!  I'll be going in just a few weeks and it will mark one year since my diagnosis.

And this weekend, I will be leading a hike for the first time in nearly a year.  

What I finally realized is that having to go through breast cancer, surgery, chemotherapy and radiation was  all outside of my comfort zone; so maybe -- just maybe -- I am strong enough to make other decisions to take care of myself, even if it means tip-toeing outside of the zone of comfort.

(Pictures:  back at sugarloaf mountain, hiking 7 miles on saturday)

Getting back on track

So after two weeks off the tamoxifen, I am back on it.  In the meantime, some changes to medications and the addition of a super vitamin D dose for my low vitamin D levels.  There are studies showing vitamin D deficiency is linked to higher incidence of breast cancer recurrence, among other things.  And am taking steps to ward off the depression including planning hikes, run-walking (well, once), more yoga, walking, spinning.... though still have yet to lose the ten pounds I packed on during chemo.  

Taking steps to take better care of myself.  I attended a "transition to wellness workshop" last week at Georgetown (more on that later).  And I found a running program specifically geared to people that have had cancer and been through treatments!  Cancer to 5K ... start training in March (with a 7-mile option).  It's not quite a marathon, but I'll take it!

And am in the process of figuring out a plan to reduce my billlable workload for this upcoming year -- the managing partners at my firm were receptive to it ... yay!

Hair update....it just keeps growing and is now becoming unruly.  Here's some hair pics, the first two from Jan. 15, the third from Jan. 30.

The heart of winter

Last Thursday I had my every-three-week herceptin appointment (number 12 of 18).  My doctor asked how I was doing and I burst into tears.  Which seemed odd to me given that I am now done with treatment, for the most part.  After talking with me for a while, she told me to stop taking the tamoxifen for a few weeks to figure out if it was causing me to feel depressed.  This is apparently a reported side effect that "a small number of women" may experience from the tamoxifen.

The last several weeks have been difficult.  It feels like in a blink of an eye we've gone from the dead of summer to the heart of winter.  I've been tired, sick (I got my first post-cancer cold....nasty little germs, left me feeling lousy for a week and a half) and completely unmotivated to do anything.    I think I will figure this out and not let the tamoxifen get the better of me, but it might take a little bit of time and work.  And speaking of work, I took a "rest day" from work today.  That helped a bit.  As did a winter hike on saturday.   And knowing that in less than two months we'll have daylight savings time again (this year on my birthday!) means there is an escape to winter coming soon.

Dear Diary

Growing up, each year somewhere around late January, I would start the entries in my brand new diary (recently received each year as a Chanukah gift from my parents):  "Dear Diary, I am sorry I haven't written in a few days....." I would then proceed to catch my poor, neglected diary up on all the goings-on of recent days.

That's what I feel like right now.  "Dear blog, I am sorry I haven't blogged on you in a while.  I have been really busy," yada yada yada.

In any event, I headed up to NY over the Xmas break.  Good visit, but very tiring.  Didn't get to see everyone I wanted due to various ailments and blizzard.

Since my last blog post, I had another herceptin appointment (the day before New Year's eve day).  Although I had a long wait, it was otherwise uneventful.  Under my "last week, this week or next week" formula, I can somewhat easily remember that my next appointment is next week.

The main thing going on is I finally started taking tamoxifen the other day.  Several people I know who have taken it have complained of severe bone pain.  So I am knocking on wood hoping that won't be a problem; so far, it isn't.  My big fear was stomach upset.  So far, knocking again on my poor table, so good.

Continue to have acid reflux (this was a chemo side effect that just hasn't gone away yet) and sore throat (ditto).  And to be really tired.  (But not chemo fatigue; not even close).  Oh, and I can't concentrate on anything at work or remember almost anything.  My mind has turned into a large-holed colander (I just proved my own point -- it took me 30 seconds to remember the word "colander."  Word recollection is particularly dicey these days.)  It was suggested to me that perhaps it's not the chemo or radiation but hormones (which were thrown into whack by the chemo).  Who knows.  I need to find out what I can do about it.  Because I'm starting to drive myself nuts with it.

Signing off.  Early morning tomorrow (breast cancer spinning class at 8).  Good night, dear blog.

Which week?

Have been quite busy the last several weeks.  I have been trying to get closer to full-time hours at work, and have been going to the breast cancer spinning class I mentioned earlier.  Lots of photography stuff.  And constantly feeling the ever growing mop on top of my head!

Still some minor lingering side effects, such as unwelcome acid reflux, little cuts around my fingers and nails, some dizziness (still can't figure out the cause of it), and hot flashes.  Nonetheless, feeling progressively better than before.

With chemo and radiation done, my new way of viewing time is structured around in which week my herceptin appointment is:  Is it this week, last week, or next week?  After thinking about this carefully, I concluded those are the only three options.  Until the end of May, each week will either be a "herceptin this week," "herceptin last week," or a "herceptin next week" kinda week.

Right now it is a herceptin next week kinda week.

Otherwise, finishing packing to head up to NY to see lots of family over the next few days, and hopefully not to get snowed in up there.

"Miniscule"

I had my once-every-three-week herceptin appointment on thursday and asked Dr. McG about my likelihood of recurrence... I wanted to know what my percentage was.  Her response was:  "miniscule."  She told me the odds of the breast cancer recurring, or a new one developing - due to the herceptin and the tamoxifen - were miniscule.  That was certainly music to my ears.

Have been really tired the last few weeks, but also really busy.  More photo classes, breast cancer spinning classes, hiking, and, oh yeah work.

Speaking of work, my firm had its holiday party on Friday.  My hair was a big hit!

Although I am not sure what is going on with the diagonal bald line on the back of my head.

My hair looks just like my co-worker, Gary's.

(I note that this has transformed from a cancer blog, to, at times, a weather blog, and now to a hair blog.  What's next, I wonder.)

30 RADS: RADS done!...what next?

Wow, it feels like weeks since my last post.  Just six days.

Wednesday was my last radiation appointment.  My last treatment was filled with treats.  Chocolate ruggelach for my radiation techs who put up with me for nearly two months.  And the special surprise they had for me was the graduation march - played twice!  Ended on a very positive, upbeat note.  

So, what's next?

I continue every three weeks on the herceptin until 18 infusions, towards the end of May.

At the beginning of January, I start a five-year stint of tamoxifen.  Just starting to learn about that.

Follow-ups:  in addition to seeing my oncologist every three weeks in conjunction with my herceptin infusions, my radiation oncologist said she wants me to see her and my surgeon, alternating every three months, for the next two years.  My surgeon, Dr. Cocilovo, is leaving georgetown at the end of the year so if I want to stay with her, need to go to the Inova Breast Institute in Fairfax.  Which I expect I will do.  Mammogram in six months.

So, for now, need to learn all that I can about what I can do to help reduce my risk of recurrence.  Dr. Croog (radiation doc) says:  exercise, no drinking more than 1 serving of alcohol in a day, baby aspirin.  Dr. McGrail (oncologist) says Vitamin D and lose weight and maintain a healthy weight.

And in the meantime, getting back in the swing of full time work, hiking, more photography, running, and .... well, not sure.  Oh - and updating the blog periodically.