If you don't get it, you don't get it.

That's the washington post advertising mantra.  It is also how I have been feeling over the past month or so about my depression.  Physically have been doing pretty well.   Had a follow-up appointment earlier in the month with my new-ish oncologist, Dr. Kaltman.  Really like her a lot.  I told her how I worry about every bump, scratch, pain, and so on, and she tried to put my mind at ease.  Still tired a lot, but I think that is due in large part to not getting enough/good sleep.  Am actually having a sleep study next week to rule out sleep apnea.  And have met with an allergist/ENT to see if we can make some headway in solving the problem of my horrible night-time congestion.

But have been battling my old demon of depression and it's hard to explain to someone who has never experienced it how it feels.  It comes in waves, and have been relatively successful in heading it off with running, hiking, yoga, activities with friends, etc.  But not at work and not when sitting with unscheduled time.  That's a big part of why I haven't blogged lately.  Plus, not much to report on the treatment front, other than my constant worries, and my hot flashes from the tamoxifen.  I don't normally tell a lot of people about the depression, so it feels a little weird blogging about it, but at this point, I'm past the point of caring whether someone might judge me or view me weirdly for it.  It is what is is.  But the work stuff I will leave to individual conversations.

Not all is doom and gloom though.  I had a fun time at a photography workshop in Charleston, SC last month.  Still haven't gotten around to posting pictures but will eventually do so.  And I am off for Ottawa today (very proud of myself - got to the airport sufficiently early!).

And had a great race the other weekend:  Race for Hope.  The money raised went to support brain tumor research.  It was a 5K race in downtown DC, and started at 9 a.m. on a sunday morning (which is pretty late for races, which I really appreciated!)  I ran with my friend Janel, whose father just had surgery the other day for a brain tumor and is been having a tough, slow recovery.  Well, that is, I signed up with my friend; we each ran at our own pace - she's much faster than me!  The survivors all made their way to the start carrying yellow balloons, and then released them to the sky which was very moving, if not environmentally ideal.  I was determined first to beat my time of 39 minutes and some odd seconds from my three 5Ks last year.  And next, I wanted to beat the goal of 39 minutes.  I ran most of the race, stopping three times for water breaks.  And I finished in 37 minutes, 2 seconds!  Very pleased with that.  It felt good.

Signing off now.

I did it!

My results!

Finally started feeling somewhat better friday night before the race.  Sunday decided to run a little, and it felt ok, so ran/walked with my training buddies for the first 5K.  After that, walked for a while, with a little running every mile or so.  Walked the last 8 miles or so with another Cancer to 5K friend who just began a new chemo trial.  Whenever we had enough energy, we'd run for a few minutes.  Otherwise, we walked, walked and walked.   Ran across the finish line!

Changing expectations

Well, if you've been following my blog or talking to me in the last three months, you know that I have been training for a half marathon to celebrate getting two years past diagnosis day.  And my birthday.  Unfortunately, I have been sick for the last 8 days, and am not "all better" yet.  Still have congestion (not a big deal), chest congestion and some coughing (more of a big deal for running), and am pretty weak and tired since I haven't eaten much other than tea and emergen-c and cold-eze for the last week.  Some chicken soup in there too.

I have gotten all kinds advice including do the race anyway, stay home in bed, show up & start the race and see how I feel, & walk instead of run.

I had my pity party yesterday and discovered that crying only made the congestion worse.

So.  While it sucks and I'm still bumming that I won't be at my best for tomorrow, I still had the amazing experience of the past three months of training.

What is my plan?  I think I am going to try to walk the whole thing.  Maybe I'll run a mile at the beginning.  We'll see.  But I don't want my unmet expectations to diminish at all the fact that I am still celebrating two years away from diagnosis day.  So, I will just have to change my expectations.  Possibly on a moment to moment basis.  While I know part of me is disappointed, frustrated and thinks this sucks, I want the other part of me to be able to enjoy tomorrow, regardless of how fast and far I go.

Will just have to wait and see how it goes tomorrow....

flying through time: two years

It is hard to believe, but two years ago today was my d-day, my diagnosis day, my day of being told "you have cancer."  It's crazy how fast time has gone since then.  Somehow, I managed to get through the first 24 hours, which may have been the hardest.   I certainly don't want to get cancer again, but I will say my life is richer now than it was before.

Little to report at this moment.  Mostly have spent the last 24 hours coughing.  I was convinced I had bronchitis but turns out it may be just allergies.  Plan to lay low and take it easy this weekend, trying to be healthy for my half marathon next saturday.  Now off to sleep.

Leaping

Yep, it's leap day of a leap year.  Nothing new to report medically.  I just wanted to write because February 29 only comes around every four years.  Thinking of leap frogging (passing and being passed by Cancer to 5K team members at survivor harbor last June), leaps of faith and of course, my leaping lily, below.  

I cannot believe that two years ago I was just about to have my biopsy.  Or maybe I'd already had it, I can't even remember the exact date.  More reminiscing about two years ago in the coming weeks.  For now, suffice it to say that I had no idea that I would be able to get through all that I have, but I did.  Or at least, I have so far.  Leaps of faith for whatever's next. 

Pacing myself

As I wind my way through february, I am finding that pacing myself is important.

Me & my training partners, Jess & Colleen

As I have mentioned (again and again!), I am training for a half marathon - one month from tomorrow!  This past sunday, did my longest training run to date - 9 miles.  (And baby was it cold outside; see picture over there).  Previously when I trained for long distance runs (2005-2006), I would typically feel completely spent after a long run.  Sunday, in the wind and the cold, we kept a nice easy pace, so that I actually felt OK afterwards.  In fact, not having gotten quite enough of the wind chill for that day, I spent a few hours later that afternoon wandering around alexandria taking photographs (see pics below).

While I am generally feeling pretty well, I may be overdoing things a bit, and probably could stand to mind my pace.  Make sure there's enough downtime with the kitties so I am not quite so exhausted.  Maybe not go to yoga right after running 7 miles.  Yeah, I did that last month.

And onto medical news.  Had a followup appointment with my radiation oncologist today.  She said all looks good.   She tried to reassure me that while it is perfectly normal to have the constant fear of recurrence, which I have, medically I'm in good shape, having received all the various treatments I did (and continuing to take tamoxifen).  Then, we discussed my upcoming schedule of appointments.  She said I don't need to see her until November/December!  Rather than have a bunch of appointments right in a row, she told me to space them out in three month intervals.  So, I will see my oncologist in May, my surgeon in August, have my mammogram in September/October, and see my radiation oncologist again in November/December.  Sounds like a good planned pace for medical visits for the rest of the year.

Taking steps

The new year has been filled with me taking many steps.

I am taking many steps as I train for the half marathon (March 17).

I am taking steps in figuring out ways to help others on insurance issues... after some conversations over this past month, I have gotten confirmation - I will give a workshop this fall at a conference held by Living Beyond Breast Cancer on health insurance issues!  Very excited about this.

Also exploring doing some pro bono work for a new clinic at a local law school - helping patients going through cancer on health insurance difficulties.

And I am taking steps with my photography - have started a new blog to display my hiking pictures:  http://pgkhikingpics.blogspot.com.  Just getting started on this but it's been a lot of fun.

Sleep is so-so, but that's better than terrible, so that's something.

My left shoulder is now seriously officially frozen and painful, and I hope it takes steps toward feeling better soon!